We said yes in 2015.
We said yes to leadership opportunities.
We said yes financially to a church building campaign.
We said yes to renewed pursuit of dissolved dreams revived by a gracious God.
And each time we said yes, the paved walkway beneath our confident feet crumbled. Soon our beautiful roadway was nothing more than a dirt foot trail filled with pot holes and stumbling blocks lingering in opportunity to stall progress.
Our normally healthy kiddo, hospitalized during Thanksgiving.
Financial strain we haven’t experienced in years.
Struggling census creating a bit of job insecurity.
Behavior issues with my kids requiring professional intervention.
Turmoil. Pressure. Struggle.
A pendulum of priorities vying for my attention.
Adopting an attitude expecting the unexpected. Waking each day wondering how my well planned life became such a hot mess.
God, is this what is means to say yes to you?
I struggled with this question. For months. It caused me to pause in writing. It caused me to dig deeper and differently into his truth. It caused me to review my base motives.
And one day, God spoke:
Why are you above the struggle?
The course of the last few months have shaken the core foundation of my jaded beliefs and caused me to reinforce the cracks with concrete evidence of God’s truth. The truth about who I am and the truth about why I am here.
And seriously, it’s not about me at all.
It’s not about my comfort.
It’s not about living on my own steam.
For a good percentage of my life, I have lived with the misconception that if the call comes from God, it should be easy. Friends, this is a lie.
When we said yes, when I said yes, I told God I was willing to stretch beyond my comfort in order that I could lean upon his strength. “I can do all things,” is no longer a fancy t-shirt slogan. It’s a core belief. Right when life seems impossible and it seems we have nothing left, God shows up in a provisional way time and time again.
I’ve also learned when I have nothing left, God still wants me to give. My time, energy, resources, finances- the list is endless. But it’s his. The calling is still mine. No one else is going to pursue it, even when I don’t feel like it. No one else is going to type the words he lays on my heart to say. No one else is going to make tough calls on behalf of my marriage, family and home. No one else is performing the hard work it takes to live the life he created for ME to live.
I’ve learned I cannot live my call alone. The people he has handpicked for my life are mine. My job? Learn who they are. What makes them tick. Discover their love language and encourage them in their own pursuit of his purpose. Above anything, I am learning to be the friend, wife and mother that I want to have.
I have learned I don’t have to know everything. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to allow others into my weakness. Each day, I can look to God and the amazing community surrounding me for wisdom, prayer and strength.
When I continue to give my whispered yes to God from the deepest valley of life, I live life in a way I have never before experienced. I carry my cross to the finish line of faith. I learn the communication work it takes to become one-minded with fellow believers.
Daily, I ask God for my portion and daily I thank him for the grace extended to me as I die to self and increase in his image. Daily I ask for divine appointment, divine opportunity to share his love with those who most need it. I commit to him my whitespace for the day _and then the roller coaster begins. Friends, I don’t want it any other way.
Life without God is not living at all.
The consequence of commitment is a life directed by God – the author and creator of the big picture. The masterpiece I am likely to miss when I am intently focused on the snapshot of the season.